Notes From the Shrine: Visit with Your Dad

by Ray Wisdom

I had called the Shrine the day before to make sure there wouldn’t be an issue with my visiting. The person I spoke with was lovely and gave me very detailed directions on how to get to the memory care facility.

As I was driving around the main building, I had this lightning bolt-type remembrance of visiting the exact same place when my grandpa was there. It was eerie. I rationally knew it was the same place, but I guess that memory was buried pretty deep. The last time I saw my grandpa, he didn’t remember who I was. He thought my mom was his wife. It was all so sad. I guess I had repressed it. 

After I was buzzed into the building, the woman at the front desk said that your dad was in B1, and as I turned to go down the hallway, your mom had just entered at the other end. When she saw me, she stopped-short, like she had seen a ghost. She recognized me immediately and was so happy. She said ‘Ray, is that you? What are you doing here?’ The best way I can describe her reaction was that she was dumbfounded, with a look of both disbelief and happiness on her face. She was getting ready to leave, but offered to take me back to see your dad. 

We went into the room and your dad was watching CNBC (or one of those channels. It was the one with the guy who rolls up his sleeves and gives financial advice. Jim Cramer?) on the TV. Your mom went to his side and said ‘Brian, you have a visitor’. Your dad looked at me and I said ‘Carpe Diem, Mr. Randall. It’s Ray.’ He looked at me and said ‘Ray’. 

Your mom then asked if he had just said something and I told her that he said my name. It was then that she told me about his recent issues with swallowing and speaking and how she had to call for hospice care. That he had only started verbally communicating again that day. He looked at your mom and said ‘Who called hospice?’ She said she had. He then continued to watch TV. 

Your mom stayed for about 10 more minutes and we chatted. She relayed how hard it has been for her. How she visits most days. She started crying as she told me this and then reiterated how happy she was that I was visiting. She said I could pop by the house any time I wanted. If she wasn’t there, she was probably visiting your dad. I told her that I had started writing a letter to her, but I couldn’t find the words. We had a long hug and I told her that I was happy to have run into her. I let her know that she could leave and I would stay with your dad for a while.

After your mom left, I pulled up a chair and sat next to your dad. He was watching TV and would occasionally look over at me. There wasn’t much that would lead me to think he recognized me. I asked if he still followed the market and he said ‘everyday’. I asked if he still followed any other news but he didn’t respond.

After a little more time had passed, I told him that I had run that morning on the Danforth Campus at WashU, and I was thinking about him as I passed the Rec Center. How he had been so into the Lady Bears basketball team and how he was on the vanguard of women’s sports in general, but basketball more specifically. He said, ‘I was ahead of my time.’

We then sat for a little while longer and I mentioned that I had heard that you visited quite a bit. He acknowledged that and I then asked if Nick came to visit as well. He said ‘Nick? No, he doesn’t visit’. I then asked about Emily and he seemed to shut down. 

A little while later, I asked him if he followed any baseball, or watched any Sox games. He just looked at me. I felt like I might have been overwhelming him a bit, so decided to just sit in silence for a while. After 10 minutes or so, I asked him if I could look at the pictures on the wall and he said, ‘What pictures?’ I pointed to them and he nodded. So I took a look around the room. I saw the picture of him in his Air Force uniform, which I don’t think I have ever seen before. 

I sat back down and watched some more TV. After a little while longer, I got up and put my hand on his shoulder and said, ‘Mr. Randall, I think I should get going. I want you to know that I am really happy to have visited you. Happy to see you again.’ I told him that I appreciated how he accepted me into the family when we were kids and how I thought of him as a second dad when I was younger. 

He looked at me for a while and didn’t say anything. I took my hand off of his shoulder and he said, ‘This is where I am now’. It was heart-breaking. For the first time during the visit, he seemed to be more aware of his surroundings. He said it with a tone of resignation. The only response I could manage was, ‘Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.’ I then asked if he would like me to turn the volume up on the TV (your mom had muted it when we came into the room) and he said, ‘I don’t suppose I would!’ That response put a smile on my face. The precision of the language coming right after his comment about where he was….it made me think that he was still there somewhere.

Then I left his room, walked out of the building into the sweltering heat and humidity and drove over to the amphitheatre down the road. I got out of the car, found a tree with some nice shade and just stood there, listening to the birds and the wind, and cried.