Fantasy Whores

By John Randall & Ray Wisdom, 07-05-2001

Music comes from a desktop computer, such that Nirvana is heard in the background. There is a desk and a long, wooden table. The computer is on the desk. John sits at the table. Ray is off stage, talking from “the kitchen.”

John: (singing not too loud) I’m on a plane…

Ray: Uh-oh. John, you have more soda right?

John: Yeah.

Ray: Okay.

John: What’d you say?

Ray: I said, ‘Okay.’

John: No, What did you ask me?

Ray: Do you have more soda?

John: I got a 2-liter.

Ray: Is that it?

John: I got those cans.

Ray: Cans are gone.

John: The cans are gone?! (John gets up to talk to Ray, standing at the edge of the kitchen) Are you serious?

Ray: I just opened up the last one.

John: Oh. You gotta be kidding me man.

Ray: Unless you stashed them somewhere. No more are in that box, that’s for sure.

John: Fuck. We may need more soda.

Ray: (laugh)

John: There’s that 2-Liter.

Ray: Chachi! Okay, the 2-liter’s cool.

John: (Sitting back down at the table and starting a tape recorder) Yeah, I think it’ll do.

Ray: (Joins John at the table) That’s yours. This is mine. Oh, you know what? I’m going to look up this Gammons thing and we’re going to figure out who the other AL guy was. (Get up and goes to the computer at the desk)

John: Alright. I, ah, (snaps) started a tape going.

Ray: OK, in the AL it comes down to Ramirez and Edgar Martinez.

John: Oh. Edgar Martinez?

Ray: Hold on, let’s check out his stats real quick though, alright? Here we go.

John: (predicting what the stats will say) Thirteen home runs.

Ray: OK, listen. 48 runs, 81 hits, 25 doublays, 12 dongs, 64 RBI’s, 62 walks, 49 strikeouts.

John: How many home runs?

Ray: 3 stolen bases. Twelve home runs. On-base of .437, slugging .532 for an OPS of .968—not very good.

John: Well, that’s not bad.

Ray: Batting .303? He only has 48 runs in 77 games.

John: Yeah, that….

Ray: That puts him on pace for 95 in a season.

John: I mean, it’s not one of his best years, but…

Ray: That’s not an MVP year, man. It – I mean – if you’re not going to give it to A-Rod or Giambi, it has to go to Manny if you’re going to a team that’s going good. But who’s to say that Boston’s ever going to be doing good at the end of the year?

(The bird clock, emitting the sound of a whip-poor-wil,l signals the top of the hour. John gets up and goes into the kitchen.)

Ray: Manny’s OPS is 1.076.

John: (From kitchen) A thousand and seventy-six?

Ray: Yeah. But he’s only on pace for 109 runs because everyone behind him sucks.

John: (Comes back in with either water or another drink) Well that’s not his fault.

Ray: 162 RBI’s though. A-hah-ha. But. We’re going to check out the person I call ‘El-Hombre.’

John: ‘El-Hombre’ has gotta be…

Ray: That’s right, Jason Giambi. Let’s look at these numbers. 19 home runs, 60 RBI’s, .481 on-base. .481’s pretty good.

John: It’s not bad, but it’s not .551.

Ray: Slugging .652. (laughs) OPS of 1.133, by far the best in the league. .337 average.

John: (Clears throat) Status of team? Sucks.

Ray: Sucks, but…

John: (laughs)

Ray: But…. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, John.

John: (Burp)

Ray: What we’re gonna do now?

John: Yeah…. Alright, you still owe me a …

Ray: Shut up. Shut up.

John: (snapping)

Ray: Shut up.

John: A little…

Ray: I know what you’re saying. Hey – Ray won. (Laugh)

John: P-shoo. Ray K. won.

Ray: Oakland…is in 2nd place, John, come on. Only 21 games back.

John: God…

Ray: (laughs) Oh man (yawns) Anaheim and Oakland are just playing for .500. Meanwhile, Texas – worst team in the majors. OK, where’s the stuff?

John: They’re not really are they?

Ray: No…Tampa is the worst. But Texas is 32 and 49.

John: 32 and 49?

Ray: Yeah. Umm. I need some supplies, man. The Yankees have won five in a row ever since Tino shot his wad. Had like 7 RBI’s in 2 games. That was his output for June.

(John takes a swig from his drink and his glass hits the table with a thud)

Ray: Just when you think Philly’s dead, they win five in a row. Against the Marlins. Five –game sweep – that sucks.

John: The Marlins.

Ray: 41 and 41.

John: The Marlins?

Ray: Yeah, you know what? I mean, they have, like we want the Marlins to get into the playoffs, but the thing is, they’re just as shitty as the Cardinals as far as record goes.

(John picks up his glass and in so doing hits it against a glass ashtray)

John: Well, yeah, but I’d rather be the Marlins right now than the Cards.

Ray: Well yeah, but see, the dark horse is Houston. They’re gonna, they’re gonna make the playoffs and then choke it, like every time.

John: No way they’re gonna make the playoffs.

Ray: They’re only four out of Chicago, and I mean Chicago, you know?

John: They don’t have any strength at pitching. (To the music he says) Yeah.

Ray: Shane Reynolds. Wasn’t he coming back — I got it dude, I got it.

John: Oh yeah — I forgot about that. Shane Reynolds is back, he’s been back.

Ray: No, but he’s supposed to be coming back and like…

John: Sheesh.

Ray: He says that he’s finally feeling the groove.

John: He was never that good.

Ray: Shane Reynolds is a great #3 pitcher…sh…who could forget those campaigns.

John: (Laughs)

Ray: (Laughs)

John: Oh no.

Ray: Back in the late nineties…

John: Hah-hah.

Ray: …when he was the man.

John: ‘Called him Crazy Shane.

Ray: Remember? Who could forget ’98? 35 starts, 31 walks, a shutout, 233 innings…

John: (Laughing…slapping table)

Ray: …He gives you innings. 257 hits, 99 runs, 99 earned runs, 209 K’s, for a record of 19-8 with an ERA of 3.51. He was a force.

John: That’s not bad.

Ray: The next year…

John: (Clears throat)

Ray: Four shutouts, 4 complete games, 2 shut outs, 231 innings pitches, 197 K’s. 16 and 14 with a 3.85. And then last year’s debacle and then this year where he’s 8 and 6 with a 4.65, which isn’t horrible. He’s also had years of 10 and 11, 16 and 10, 9 and 10, and 8 and 5 for a career record of 94 and 75. A 3.9 E.R.A. I think if he played for the Yankees, he’d be a hall of famer.

John: Uhh… Somebody’s trying to get through without…umm…Randy Fowler. Scary.

Ray: John? John. John…his ERA has been steadily declining all year — Shane Reynolds. He’s the kind of guy a guy could use.

John: Maybe I should call him Shayne…

Ray: With a “y”?

John: No, like the movie.

Ray: No, but S-H-A-N, or Y-N-E. We have to do it, no.

John: Shayne.

Ray: Shayne. That’s (southern accent) Shayne.

John: I have a…

Ray: (cupping hands to mouth, but soft) SHAYNE! (Again the same) Shayne!

John: (Laughs) Is that what they do in the movie?

Ray: Yeah.

John: (Laughs)

Ray: Alfonso activated off the DL…

John: Oh man, that is great, dude.

Ray: Alright, the thing is though. Should I put Alfonso back in? I have him on the IR right now. If I bring him back, I lose a slot. I have to drop someone. And the only persons to choose from are Roberto Alomar— who obviously—

John: What are you doing?

Ray: Alfonso’s off the DL.

John: Uh-huh.

Ray: And I want to look and see, ah, like his replacement is Hairston, Jr. and, oh, but he’s been playing well for me, you know? And who’s gonna say Alfonso’s good at all? When he first comes back, why not rise out the Hairston wave and then bring him back? That’s all I’m sayin (me-shook-em-ah) voice.

(TV, sniffing, glasses klink in background)

John: What do you think, man?

Ray: Ah-hah-hah-hah…oh, man.

John: Want any more wine?

Ray: Oh, I am so good. My team…(laughs). Alright, see, I mean, the choice is this as far as where you can play, the only options are Alomar or Hairston Jr., right? And then you got utility, but that’s Mags’s and bench is Burrell.

John: Sit— sit Hairston, Jr.

Ray: I can’t sit him, I have to get rid of him.

John: Mm.

Ray: ‘Cause I’m bringin in this guy off the IR.

John: Well, you just gotta do it then.

Ray: OK, well let me see what he’s done for me. Let’s see if he’s cooled off, as it were. Chan Ho: I miss you baby, I miss you. (Smooching sounds, two smooches)

John: Yeah…

Ray: I’m still thinkin’ about him.

John: (Unintelligible mumble)

Ray: Three-thirty, he’s batting .333 with 2 RBI’s and a walk. Alright, yeah, I’ll get rid of him. What am I talking about?

John: (Unintelligble mumble)

Ray: What’s that?

John: He’s been a whore in our league.

Ray: (Unintelligble mumble…laughs)

Ray: If they reach, like, where at least 70 percent of the league has owned them, they get a fantasy whore status, OK? Or, if it’s five teams and 3 people have used him twice. (Laughs)

John: Three teams in two weeks?

Ray: No, I think it should just be for a whole year. You have a bunch of colors to designate how much of a whore they are. (Laugh)

John: I mean, those would have to be the worst players because they would be the worst for you, ya know? OK, so who are this year’s? Who are this year’s fantasy whores?

Ray: (Laughs)

John: I don’t know why they don’t keep that stat.

Ray: Oh, God.

John: Let’s look, man. Just go along the waiver wire…

Ray: Alright.

John: …until we find some fantasy whores.

Ray: Batters—

John: Alright.

Ray: Now, I’ll give you all the offensive players.

John: You can click on them and see where they’ve been.

Ray: (Laughs)

John: Alright, let’s see who we got.

Ray: You got Kendall, 100% owned.

John: No.

Ray: No.

Ray: Garrett Anderson?

John: No.

Ray: He’s still on the waiver wires, baby. Doug G.

John: Click on Glanville. I think a few people have—

Ray: (Laughs) Next is Houston and I had him for just a little while.

John: I don’t know, I don’t, I don’t know if more than two have had him.

Ray: I wonder if Polanco is. He’s a guy I picked up.

John: Not enough people have picked him up.

Ray: Um— no…2 people. Alright, well, we’ll keep going. How do I get, ah, like, can I go back? I can’t go back now.

John: Oh, just click out of this window, ’cause it’s a new window.

Ray: OK. Alright, how ’bout, no…Jose Hernandez?

John: Yeah, he’s probably been with at least three teams.

Ray: I had him for a little bit.

John: My brother might’ve had him.

Ray: Fantasy whores. Ugh.

John: (Laughs)

Ray: Am I the only one whose…

John: We’ve been dead wrong.

Ray: Ok, Brad Fullmer?

John: No, I don’t…

Ray: No. What about Womack?

John: No, I don’t think that many people have had him.

Ray: Batista, Dmitri Young, Terrence Long, Gabe Kapler.

John: (Coughs)

Ray: Julio Lugo, Jon Vander Wal, Kenny Lofton, Alex Gonzalez…

John: Click on, ah, Jon Vander Wal.

Ray: (As if it were Willie Nelson singing) Crazy…

John: Julio Lugo might be one.

Ray: Crazy.

John: Three people might have had Julio Lugo.

Ray: We’re gonna have to drop our standards.

John: No, it’s gotta be three, man, three’s nothing.

Ray: Fuck. One person, man.

John: We have been missing the mark. You can also do open-apple W.

Ray: OK.

John: What are we listening to, man?

Ray: Two people have owned Gonzalez.

John: Alright, alright, we need some resolve.

Ray: Ok, Ok.

John: Our next pick has to be good.

Ray: Oh, yeah. Not a good pick?

John: I think three people have had him maybe.

Ray: You’ve said that twice now. That’s the jinx!

John: (Laughs)

Ray: That’s the jinx.

John: (Laughs)

Ray: Why does it take so — oh! oh! Three!

John: Look at that history.

Ray: Perfect timing, perfect timing.

John: Pokey Reese…(laughs)

Ray: This is like Pokey on the scene right here. What’s up nigga, Pokey on the scene!

Ray: He’s had 3 teams, but your brother’s had him twice. (laughs)

John: Yeah, I guess that would be lowering your standards. That’s still not quite perfect.

Ray: But that’s the best one so far. We need to look for shortstops, those are guys…

John: Look for Ramon Hernandez.

Ray: He’s not out there though.

John: Who has Ramon Hernandez?

Ray: I don’t know.

John: You should look at pitchers now.

Ray: What do you think about Eckstein?

John: No, no one’s ever had Eckstein.

Ray: Branyan?

John: Branyan: Two people maybe.

Ray: Jordan?

John: No.

Ray: Stevens?

John: No.

Ray: Randa?

John: No.

Ray: Damion Easley?

John: No.

Ray: Marquis Grissom?

John: No.

Ray: Placido?

John: Look up Mark Quinn, dude.

Ray: I’ve had him for so long though.

John: Really?

Ray: Yeah, I’ve had him for a long time. What about…Andres?

John: No.

Ray: See, there’s no one down here.

John: Ken C. Look up K.C. I hope no one had Galaragga. (Tapping on table)

Ray: He’s a free agent.

John: Who is?

Ray: He is.

John: Who?

Ray: Caminiti.

John: Oh.

Ray: I had to look him up. There he is.

John: He got released by the Rangers…

Ray: He’s never been owned. Wow. That is a kick in the fucking face dude.

John: That, that, that’s a lesson: don’t do dry guesses. We need to come by them by looking on the screen.

Ray: I’m trying Hairston.

John: I don’t think…

Ray: I’ve only had him 4 days.

John: My brother had him.

Ray: I had him for 4 days, y.k. He’s been out there as far as I know the whole season. Two people. Me & your brother. Your Brother’s owned him twice. Beltran. That’s it…

John: Beltran…

Ray: Your brother twice.

John: Yeah, that’s the worst.

Ray: Did we look up Womack?

John: No, I don’t think Womack is gonna be…

Ray: But people might be like, ‘I’ll pick him up for the steals.’

John: Eh…

Ray: Then he’ll suck.

John: Look at, ah, Juan Pierre.

Ray: (laugh)

Ray: Drafted by We Got Wood. Your brother has had fuckin’ everybody, man.

John: (laughs)

Ray: Your brother is the pimp, though, of the league. He’s the waiver pimp.

John: Yeah.

Ray: I mean, but it’s not a derogatory thing for him since he’s in first fucking place.

John: Yeah. I…he’s really been using it as just a supplemental thing. It’s not like he depends on it.

Ray: Yeah. Yeah, we need to think about people that aren’t on this list, though—that people have now. ‘Cause that’s the whole point.

John: Oh shit, man. Of course! That, that’s one step ahead of us.

Ray: Two people for, ah, Pierre.

John: Alright, well let’s start savag— ravaging people’s teams.

Ray: Alright.

John: So we want people who just got picked up.

Ray: First your brother. Maybe I should start from the last place team through.

John: What about Ben Petrick, dude? Everybody’s had Ben Petrick.

Ray: Really?

John: There’s been three people who’ve had Ben Petrick.

Ray: Your brother has a pretty solid team. Like Lawton maybe. I don’t know if he’s had him all year. Vizquel—

John: No.

Ray: Um, Geoff Jenkins.

John: No.

Ray: These are no, he hasn’t had him all year, or no, they’re not.

John: No, no they’re not fantasy whores.

Ray: Beltran? Did he have him on the IR the whole time?

John: Mmmm. No.

Ray: Hollandsworth?

John: Three people might have had Hollandsworth. Let’s check ‘im out.

Ray: This’s such a long track.… Two people.

John: Ohh…

Ray: Yeah, so he won’t have anyone. You want me to look up Petrick real quick?

John: Yeah.

Ray: Well, too bad, I hit Atlanta.

John: You hit who?

Ray: Atlanta.

John: Atlanta?! You’re gonna look through their team? Oh, I thought you meant the Braves.

Ray: Adam Kennedy maybe?

John: No…

Ray: Well other than that he’s got, he’s got Furcal, Giles, Damon, Sheffield, Ramirez, Gonzalez, Todd Walker, Olerud and Vlad. I mean, none of those – he doesn’t have anyone. Propose trade.

John: We should go through and each propose everybody in our league a trade. Two of ’em would get accepted and, still major, major changes would break out.

Ray: (Laughing and sneering.) Yeah, I kinda wanna trade someone. Even though I’m excited about my team, I could still get more excited about it, you know? Why am I doing it this way when I could have just clicked on them with all the teams? Jeter fan. That’s what it says for me. I might change it at the All Star break. But to who? High Lifers, Jeter fan, Nighthawks. Three.

John: Fantasy whore Ben Petrick.

Ray: When did that bitch drop him? April 10th. He dropped him so early. I didn’t even see it. You didn’t pick him up till June 8. He was out there for a month and a half. Two months almost. Then he was out there for two weeks before I got him. Man, ok, I’m gonna, we’re gonna have to search name. Who do you think? Who do ya think?

John: Jay Bell.

Ray: We could look up Henderson, too. Sexy Carrots has got him right now.

John: …

Ray: C’mon baby, oh shit!

John: Oh…my…God.

Ray: Four (he claps) Jay Bell. Hope he’s been using vasoline. God. Whew. Average draft pos: 175.7. Percent owned? 100.

John: Wow. Why? Can anybody tell me: why?

Ray: Alright. Henderson. Free agent, Four-point-seven percent owned, I think it said.

John: Check out Quilvio Veras.

Ray: Alright, hold on Tonto. I gotta see Henderson. I gotta see if he’s been owned.…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s